Pushing Out Into Deeper Water

I wasn't planning on blogging again so soon, but something special happened today. For the first time since deciding to go to Africa I broke down and cried, and I mean cried a lot.  I didn't really know that I needed a good cry but my Papa did.  My quit time started out with a devotion from Jesus calling. The part that stuck out most to me said, " Though I may lead you along paths that feel alien to you, trust that I know what I am doing." As I sat outside on our shaded back patio it was quit and the weather was perfect, I started thinking of how much I am going to miss this and all the little things. I am going to miss my kitten coming up to my bed in the mornings to cuddle with me.  I am going to miss hanging out with my Mom when she has her days off, and when she is gone to work ordering in Mexican food and watching movies with Dad. I am going to miss spending nights with the kids that I have fell in love with at One7. And Then I started thinking about the big things; missing the first 6 months of my niece growing up that is due any day now, missing the birth of my other niece who is due next month, missing my Birthday and Christmas with my family. This is when the tears started coming like crazy.  I wasn't crying because I didn't want to go anymore, on the contrary, I have never been so sure that I do. I was crying because I know that this was exactly where God wants me to be. I realized that this is what God meant when he said to follow him; that it is going to be tough, that we are going to have to give some things up, but that it is worth it and that HE is with us. I felt like Jesus was giving me a tiny glimpse of what he felt that night in the Garden of Gethsemane. He was scared. He didn't know how it was going to go. He knew it was going to be tough, but he also knew that it was worth it. He knew that he was in his Father's will and that there was no greater place to be. He knew that he wasn't alone and that Father's will was greater than his. I cried and prayed and then cried some more. I opened my Bible to the book of Luke and God brought me to the story where Jesus told Simon to push out into deeper water and let his nets out for catch. He questioned Jesus but said, " if you say so, I will let out the nets." As soon as he did his nets were filled with fish; enough for two boats to be filled. They were amazed and Jesus said, "There is nothing to fear. From now on you'll be fishing for men and women." Simon, James, and John left their boats, nets, and all that day to follow him.  So I am pushing out into deeper water. I am nervous. I'm not sure what awaits me, but I know this is where HE wants me to be, and  there is no better place than that.

You're blessed when tears flow freely.
Joy comes with the morning.  - LUKE 6:21

Coming Back To My Creator, & What Ethiopia Has To Do With It All

This picture says so much of how I feel today, but it took me awhile to really learn what the free life is all about.  Eight months ago I felt probably the farthest from God I had ever felt. I was chasing the free life, which to me was doing what I wanted to do when I felt like doing it. I am going to be completely honest with you. I was into a lot of things that I thought would make me happy; smoking weed, drinking, partying, and even taking pills. My parents couldn't trust me, and honestly they had no reason to. I have always known God and knew HE had great plans for me but I just kept thinking that I am going to live now, be young, and when I get older I will get my life right with Christ. Probably what you might have thought once before, right?  I got to the point that I felt like weed was changing who I was, I was constantly getting into arguments with my parents to the point that I was close to having to move out, and everything else seemed to be going wrong. I remember hearing this voice over and over saying I should just get out of everything and go back to God, but I felt too trapped and even comfortable at where I was.  Going back to God meant giving up everything; how I spent my weekends, the group of people I surrounded myself with everyday, the way I talked, the parties. For now I was comfortable and just going to wait it out. I applied for the 2013 Nursing program at Stanly. A few months pass and everyone is getting back their letters of acceptance, even a few people who had told me they made lower than I did on the placement test. I called to see if maybe my letter had just gotten misplaced but I was told that I missed a deadline on one of my classes and would have to wait until next years nursing program. I was so upset. Missing a deadline by a week meant that I had a whole year to wait. A whole year that I didn't know what I was going to do.  On top of everything else that I felt wasn't going great this was the icing on the cake. Little did I know this was all part of Papa's plan to bring me back to him. I remember posting a status that said, " Tired of praying to a God that doesn't even listen." I had gotten a lot of comments back but only one person messaged me, Carmen Post. Carmen and her husband Trent started  Make Your Mark Charlotte, an organization that reaches out to the inner city kids of Charlotte.  Two years ago they expanded Make Your Mark to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia to help the inner city kids of Addis.  She asked me about what all that was going on and at the end of our conversation she said that she was looking for someone to teach her children for the upcoming school year while they were in Ethiopia.  I told her I would pray about it and she mentioned that Ethiopia wouldn't solve my problems, that if I wanted to come I would need to turn back to God and let him work in me. I heard that voice again, that same voice that told me I could get out of everything, but this time that wasn't all I heard. The voice also told me that I could get out of everything, and the time is now. God had planned all of this. How I had been feeling, missing my deadline, and now a whole year free to do whatever I wanted, and we all know that doesn't come often for college students.  So I began to pray. My exact prayer was this, "God going to Africa for six months is a big deal and I don't want to go if I am not meant to. Make it obvious if this is your will, and I will go." And God's exact answer was this,

After I finished that prayer I randomly opened my Bible to a page and this was it. ACTS 8: 

God spoke to Phillip and told him to leave where he was, and Phillip went. There was an Ethiopian that he met who was reading a passage from Isaiah but did not understand what he was reading.  When asked if he knew what he was reading the Ethiopian replied, "How can I without some help? " I have never heard God more clear in my life.The first page I read was about Ethiopia, and if that wasn't enough of an answer the passage was about God telling his disciple to go. I felt like God was telling me that there are people in Ethiopia who don't understand him. They don't understand who he is and they don't understand his love for them. I am the disciple God was telling to go. That is the day I came back to my creator. That is the day I decided this is it, no turning back.  I am eight months sober and I am eight months free. ALL-OUT for HIM.

This is me (left). I am three weeks away from the trip that I KNOW is God-sent. I am so excited because I have never felt God in something so much!  I have raised close to 3,500 out of 5,000 dollars needed for my trip and I am trusting that God will provide the rest. People have been giving more than I could have ever expected and I know that is all because of my Papa. I will be keeping you guys updated with my six month adventure and can't wait to tell you guys all that God is doing in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. 

" That man is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, 

to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot